We Have Some New Office Rules

So these are the new office rules that were posted yesterday by Mr. Jones, Thuso Jones that is.

1) Dress Code:
• You are advised to come to work dressed according to you salary.
• If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
• If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
• If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore do not need a raise.
• Albert and I decided that based on our salary we should probably come to work naked, Mandla disagrees, agrees triple our salary, which would still unfortunately leave us naked.
2) Sick Days:
• We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
• This one was good last night when Mandla threatened not to come to the teambuilding movie because he foresaw himself getting sick and promised to show us a doctor’s certificate, nope sorry Mandla you are coming with.
3) Personal Days:
• Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays and Sundays.
• These don’t even exist for us because we tend to work at least on Saturdays and sometimes on Sundays.
4) Bereavement Leave:
• This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
5) Bathroom Breaks:
• Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the ‘Chronic Offenders’ category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
6) Lunch Break:
• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Yes, we may have a running joke of the day in South Africa too.

So everyday Mandla tells Albert and I that he wants us out of this city and that we better not come to this office tomorrow. Especially after my pranks and antics. Poor guy will be scarred after this year. Although I must say we have a running tally of the pranks on the board (South Africa vs. America) and South Africa is up 2 to 1. Mandla got Albert once when Albert locked the keys in the car (he told him we didn’t have a spare and let Albert freak out for 5 minutes before handing me the spare to go unlock the door) and he got me once when he decided to lock me out of the car and drive away without me. So if anything he is worse than us or maybe we need to step up our game.

Mandla is always yelling at me from the other room. Earlier he called my name and I didn’t respond because I was trying to promote the Pepsi Refresh Project so then he was mad (jokingly mad) because he called me again and I ignored him. He then got up and told me to come back for a second because he had a job for me. He then asked me how long it would take me and I told him an hour to buy myself some time and he was like “An hour? I think you can do it in less.” Of course I knew I could do it in 15 minutes, but I didn’t want to disappoint the beloved site coordinator and his expectations. He then just told me that I am missing out because I didn’t come back there again (this is after I finished my other job), so I asked him if I should come back there and he replied that he does not want me back there. He then proceeded to ask me what is wrong with me and I told him that he is what is wrong with me. You have to love the camaraderie in this office. He also threatened to move me out to Platfontein (one of our sites) and he said I could work from there for the rest of the year. He said he would give me a host family; I thought it sounded like kind of a cool idea, too bad he was just kidding. Got to go video the boys changing Mandla’s tire. Peace.